after talking with suzie about a particular story i'd written in college, i was reminded that i published a lot of my writing in my FreeOpenDiary--yes i had one--and that i'd downloaded the archive file after i stopped writing in it. so tonight i found the old file, which covers my life from january 2, 2003 to november 5, 2003. wow, besides being an inspired-yet-mediocre writer, i was going through a lot of shit in those days.
i can still place myself at my desk in room 911 in camp hall, still remember where everything was in that room, how good my stereo sounded when i need refuge from things, how hard the wooden desk chair was after so many hours at my desk, the kindred that i felt with peppy (my roommate and buddy) at the time. life felt really fresh then. i remember the feeling it created in my chest. always a bit scary, but not in the adventurous way that i feel fear now. like true fear, before i learned to fight it. a shearing, stainless steel feeling across my windpipe. not pain, more like tactile cold, but with motion to it... and a feeling in my forehead, a sharp awareness, to match. everything new came with a little adrenaline to it. usually some sort of doubt or regret too. sounds awful, right?
yes, in retrospect, i was pretty on edge for the first couple years of school. then i was depressed. then i was stressed, burned out, emotionally damaged and overworked. then i was a hardworking, successful fifth-year student. things definitely progressed in a certain direction, and after all of it i definitely have ended up much better than i used to be. yet somehow, i crave that feeling that i had my freshman year. i'm not sure why, because i know from reading back over those old journal entries that i was dealing with heavy shit all the time. that said, i guess i miss that because everything all the time was just so REAL. non-stop waves of real life and real emotions, the rawness of it all was captivating even though i may not have appreciated it as such.
it makes me wonder... have i lost a tolerance for this kind of emotion? have i lost the ability to generate those sorts of feelings in myself? they stemmed from certain things. namely the shift to college life from high school, the inevitable introduction to life as an adult, the excitement of making my own decisions on everything, and dealing with the then recent death of my best friend. classes were invigorating (for the most part). dating was new and intense. friendships bloomed in a way that i didn't know they could. hormones were out of control. sleep was an option that i handled in extremes, trading nights of almost none for days of morning-through-afternoon comatose. i get exhausted just thinking about how turbulent life was, but i can't help but crave it a little bit.
it's a stupid dichotomy because i've spent the last three or so years consciously seeking a sense of stability. and now, at a tender 23 years old, i have just about as much stability as i thought i'd ever need, with the exception of a steady, loving girlfriend to spend all my free time with... but i've got the steady, loving part for sure and i feel safe in knowing that the rest is only a matter of time. when i compare myself to the guys i lived with when i first moved to chicago, both over 30, single, working worthless jobs, alcohol their favorite recreation, recreational sex a close second, i can pause and smile proudly at what i've done with my life so far. yet i feel like i'll always crave the rawness of when things were harder. perhaps i love the feeling of emotional turbulence because it always yields an immense feeling of emotional catharsis, personal triumph, or victorious self-improvement in the face of the ultimate hurdle--my 'self'.
i think there is probably something in me that can still feel these uber-intense things, but likely my propensity for generating stuff of that caliber has been softened by emotional maturation, this as a result of growing and repairing myself after events of certain extremes. i sometimes tell people that i wish i could cry more often. i remember, as a child, feeling sadness at the end of a sorrowful, heroic, or charming film, and simply crying about it for a moment. it felt really good, really natural. not so much anymore. i'm reduced to events now, starting with the death of my dad, then my end-of-summer breakup with suzie, then the death of tony, then a particularly guilt-ridden breakup with leslie (inappropriately so, now that i think about it--this one feels wasted)... and i think that was the last one. this would have been in 2004. my theory is that after experiencing these extremes, my cry-reaction has been recalibrated so that equal or greater extremes must be experienced for me to cry again. it feels strange to realize this. but i'm pretty sure that's what the deal is.
so this begs the question... have i become more emotionally mature, or simply hardened? this question scares me a lot, to be honest. luckily, i know that i still feel intense things, as the genuine affection that i feel only for my mother, the strange semi-parental instincts that come with a younger brother, or the warm generalized happiness that comes when i step back and really appreciate my sense of family, or in a larger sense, the friends that i count as my family. there is also, of course, the recent *unencumbered* re-emergence of feelings for suzie, which are different than the intense ones i felt when i was 16, but still hearken back to that intensity with a more grounded sense of life. again--a sense of maturity, or a fear of emotional extremes? i can't really know this about myself, i think. either way, i know these few things are real, regardless of where they are diverted and rearranged within me.
today i was talking with suzie about some stuff she's going through, mostly frustration with this phase of her life. she's in an extended phase of college life, where she is successful but kind of ready for the next thing. this is stuff i empathize with by remembering my own phase and becoming a little frustrated along with her. specifically, i realized tonight that i really engage when she gets frustrated with her dad while living at home. now, i know i have some dad issues of my own, and i'll sometimes catch my subconscious mind attacking these things vicariously. it will feel like genuine anger or rebellion brewing up inside me, but towards a person that i'm not at all involved with other than by proxy. in this case, suzie told me about this thing where, as a small child, she took a coffee stirrer from a gas station coffee table while her dad was paying for gas. when her dad saw that she'd taken it, he told her that this was stealing and made her take the straw back in and apologize to the dude at the gas station. suzie likes this because it taught her never to steal anything. sure, that's reputable. but all the same, i got really pissed when she recounted this story to me! i became really defensive for her childhood self, angry that her dad would start some shit over a complimentary coffee straw. given, this is me taking the thing totally out of context. her dad may have been very kind about it, and in fact was probably right in showing her that she should ask or reconsider before grabbing and taking things, as it could have been a candy bar as easily as it was a straw. i don't know how it went down; i wasn't there.
all i know is that my temper totally flared up at this. it's a little bit of my protective/vindictive nature which rises in defense of those i love, but no doubt when i think about it, there's more to it than that. i must be bringing my own shit into it, which is a little troubling. this is for me to deal with, not poor suzie. she was just telling me this cute moral story from her childhood, and i had to go fuck it up by getting retroactively pissed at her dad. sounds a little off to me.
so maybe if i dig deeply enough, i've still got enough emotional turmoil left to get that old feeling back. maybe i just need to take the george bush approach... send in everything i've got, stir up a lot of battles, and do everything i can to tap into the tapped and untapped reserves of oil--i mean, emotions. untapped reserves of pent up emotion, which may or may not affect national gas prices.
this one was exhausting. it's the end of a long week, a good one though. i will press on, but first i will go to sleep.
peace.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
narrow stairs
as i sink down into this worn-in old couch at the star lounge, absorbing (still) the new death cab album, i close my eyes and feel everything at once. the music is simple and warm. i'm thinking about my day, my weekend, and what lies ahead for the week. deadlines at work, my relationships with my co-faustians, the way things have been going so well... and how i'm looking forward to launching into the week.
i feel so relaxed right now, not in the way that you usually think of, as the antithesis to stress. but relaxed in the way that i feel like i'm settling casually and more fully into myself, into this new life that i've built. the feeling is fleeting, so i try and appreciate it when it comes.
i find myself feeling more and more thankful these days, especially towards those i spend most of my time with. sally and bob continue to be warm and guiding presences in my everyday, and dave continually surprises me with his insights into design collaboration. i learn from them as designers, and more innately as people. when i think about the way i act, i think of my behavior as it compares to those more mature than me, and i measure the gaps this way.
i like to keep track of where i'm doing well and where i'm failing, in this respect. brian helps me here, i'm learning. i spend a lot of time with this guy, these days. the defining lines between our relationship as friends vs. that as roommates is always blurring. this is partially because we work well in both capacities, and partially because we spend so much time around each other, it's hard to discern which is which. i guess at this point there's no need to distinguish one from the other. that's something to celebrate because it means that shit is going well.
on that note, we were eating in the kitchen today and were discussing how we'd been living in the apartment for almost a month now with no great conflict or issue. so i took the opportunity to ask if he had any gripes with me as a roommate, while we were on the topic. it's better to air these things out early, because we know they'll only incubate and worsen otherwise.
to my surprise, he had little to say in the way of the roommate part of the relationship. instead, the focus jumped immediately to the way i'd been handling things in our friendship. that basically, i'd been busting his balls way too much lately. there had been sneaking suspicion in my mind lately that perhaps i was joking around, chiding him too much, and he confirmed this and then some. he approached it very level-headed and with a sense of consciousness to how they would make me feel, which made these things a little easier to hear. but in the end, i realized what i was hearing about myself was that i'd been slipping in making sure i'm always being a kind and sympathetic person, with my best friend/roommate, no less! what the fuck!? to be fair, a lot of stuff was intended to come off as jokes or tongue-and-cheek comments. but as brian pointed out, they often extended too far, to things like criticism of his behavioral nuances, or needless questioning of simple and pointless things.
after a little consideration, i was reminded of a particular day in my youth, on a hot alabama day playing a soccer game, when my dad came to me at half time and told me to tuck in my shirt. when i asked why, he told me that i would cool off better with a tucked-in shirt. i argued that i had started the game with my shirt tucked in, and that i wanted to play with it un-tucked because it let more air flow through, etc... we argued about which way was better for at least five minutes, each one going into the physics of the air flow and fabric texture and sweat abduction. i think i finally just tucked in my jersey to get my dad to shut the hell up, and minutes later when the game started, i glibly untucked that shit again, knowing that dad couldn't do a thing about it for the next 35 minutes. the point of the story is not who was right, but that my dad should have backed the fuck up and just let ME make the decision that affected ME, and me alone. this is the kind of shit i realized i've been chiding brian about, and it is without reason, and to no positive end for either of us. what it boils down to (and this is where i start to see my dad coming out in me in ways that give me pause) is that i try to get everything in a certain order--the "right" way--all the time. it's the way i work, it's part of what makes me a good designer, a perceiver and appreciator of systems and balance. it's ok to project onto design and the arrangement of furniture and organization of the fridge... but not on my friends.
duly noted.
to resume where i left off in the talk with brian, i took in as much as i could because i could tell that he had been patiently tolerating me, and had been putting up with this shit for almost a month without freaking out on me. so of course i feel pretty bad now, but that's good because it will remind me to put on the sympathetic/subjective friend hat more often and the compulsive/objective roommate hat a little less. there's always something to work on, i think, and i'm really lucky to have people like brian around that will not only put up with my crap, but work with me to get past it all and improve as a person and develop our friendship.
so as we sit in this coffee shop and take turns drawing in my italian tarpaper sketchbook (thanks, s!) we grimace and snicker at what we add to each turn of the drawing, one of us eventually laughing out loud at what seems to be undeniably clever or hilarious as we pool our bizarre imaginations in the form of ink on paper. it's always a good moment, and it signals that everything is cool, and we've got good things ahead of us. i think it will continue to get better. i'm going to put effort into it, anyway.
in the meantime, i'm really looking forward to 2 major events in the next few weeks. 1: eric moves up. we're pretty stoked about this, as the apartment is finally settled and furnished and arranged, and we're dying for eric's stylistic and material additions to the place (namely: books and a general sense of epic grandeur), not to mention the good times awaiting all of us existing in the same place. event 2: suzie visits again for the 4th of july weekend. the reasons to be excited are pretty obvious, but i'm equally excited for eric and suzie to meet each other. the first time that he and i consciously hung out, we traded stories of epic, heartwrenching, unrequited love while eating some Al's at 2 in the morning. i find it really interesting that suzie was unknowingly the catalyst for the first of many unabashedly honest talks of past lives and common threads... and now the two of them will get to hang out. it's a line of progression that likely links solidly only in my head, but i'm sure it resonates to some degree with eric as he understands that suzie is as embedded in my character history as a love for family or a need for embellished artistic/human expression. he gets things like this, just as suzie does. i'm really interested in what they will find in each other.
also on the horizon is suzie's birthday, july 17th, when i will fly to cleveland for the first time in god-knows-how-long. cleveland used to be my favorite city but still holds a special place in my heart. it was the venue for so many great experiences, a backdrop for the shakespearian theatrics of my late teens. i learned what love was like, had my first kiss there... learned a new love for music and how it relates to experience... developed a real relationship with my sister, who is something like 12 years my elder... got to be around my niece during her really cute early years... practiced art for a summer in the beautiful northern sunlight, warm rays in cool air... there's just a lot of me that developed there. i could go on for way too long. anyway, suzie's 24th birthday marks seven years to the day since we had our first kiss and effectively started dating. that is, before launching off into the whirlwinds of our lives, which would eventually pull us far apart. however, Serendipity meets secretly with Purpose, and through their backroom scheming, we were guided to find each other years later, after making mistakes, maturing, and growing into ourselves. so here we are now, waiting it out, resuming a path that we started carving together at such a young age. it's precious and stoic all at once. but i digress.
what else is new? i buzzed my hair, which was a refreshing change. also, we have internet at the apartment now, and i have resumed my xbox live account. that means... halo! it may be sad to say, but i've really missed playing this game in a really serious way. it's one of only a few things that can really occupy all of my attention, which is super relaxing because i don't have to think about anything for that period of time. on top of that, it's really exciting and fun, and lends itself to team-oriented bonding experiences with nick and whatever random people i meet online. so glad that's back in my life. on top of this, i'm spending time every week with a book, drawing more, eating less and riding my bike to work a lot more. life is fuller, more resolved.
it's a good deal. until next time...
i feel so relaxed right now, not in the way that you usually think of, as the antithesis to stress. but relaxed in the way that i feel like i'm settling casually and more fully into myself, into this new life that i've built. the feeling is fleeting, so i try and appreciate it when it comes.
i find myself feeling more and more thankful these days, especially towards those i spend most of my time with. sally and bob continue to be warm and guiding presences in my everyday, and dave continually surprises me with his insights into design collaboration. i learn from them as designers, and more innately as people. when i think about the way i act, i think of my behavior as it compares to those more mature than me, and i measure the gaps this way.
i like to keep track of where i'm doing well and where i'm failing, in this respect. brian helps me here, i'm learning. i spend a lot of time with this guy, these days. the defining lines between our relationship as friends vs. that as roommates is always blurring. this is partially because we work well in both capacities, and partially because we spend so much time around each other, it's hard to discern which is which. i guess at this point there's no need to distinguish one from the other. that's something to celebrate because it means that shit is going well.
on that note, we were eating in the kitchen today and were discussing how we'd been living in the apartment for almost a month now with no great conflict or issue. so i took the opportunity to ask if he had any gripes with me as a roommate, while we were on the topic. it's better to air these things out early, because we know they'll only incubate and worsen otherwise.
to my surprise, he had little to say in the way of the roommate part of the relationship. instead, the focus jumped immediately to the way i'd been handling things in our friendship. that basically, i'd been busting his balls way too much lately. there had been sneaking suspicion in my mind lately that perhaps i was joking around, chiding him too much, and he confirmed this and then some. he approached it very level-headed and with a sense of consciousness to how they would make me feel, which made these things a little easier to hear. but in the end, i realized what i was hearing about myself was that i'd been slipping in making sure i'm always being a kind and sympathetic person, with my best friend/roommate, no less! what the fuck!? to be fair, a lot of stuff was intended to come off as jokes or tongue-and-cheek comments. but as brian pointed out, they often extended too far, to things like criticism of his behavioral nuances, or needless questioning of simple and pointless things.
after a little consideration, i was reminded of a particular day in my youth, on a hot alabama day playing a soccer game, when my dad came to me at half time and told me to tuck in my shirt. when i asked why, he told me that i would cool off better with a tucked-in shirt. i argued that i had started the game with my shirt tucked in, and that i wanted to play with it un-tucked because it let more air flow through, etc... we argued about which way was better for at least five minutes, each one going into the physics of the air flow and fabric texture and sweat abduction. i think i finally just tucked in my jersey to get my dad to shut the hell up, and minutes later when the game started, i glibly untucked that shit again, knowing that dad couldn't do a thing about it for the next 35 minutes. the point of the story is not who was right, but that my dad should have backed the fuck up and just let ME make the decision that affected ME, and me alone. this is the kind of shit i realized i've been chiding brian about, and it is without reason, and to no positive end for either of us. what it boils down to (and this is where i start to see my dad coming out in me in ways that give me pause) is that i try to get everything in a certain order--the "right" way--all the time. it's the way i work, it's part of what makes me a good designer, a perceiver and appreciator of systems and balance. it's ok to project onto design and the arrangement of furniture and organization of the fridge... but not on my friends.
duly noted.
to resume where i left off in the talk with brian, i took in as much as i could because i could tell that he had been patiently tolerating me, and had been putting up with this shit for almost a month without freaking out on me. so of course i feel pretty bad now, but that's good because it will remind me to put on the sympathetic/subjective friend hat more often and the compulsive/objective roommate hat a little less. there's always something to work on, i think, and i'm really lucky to have people like brian around that will not only put up with my crap, but work with me to get past it all and improve as a person and develop our friendship.
so as we sit in this coffee shop and take turns drawing in my italian tarpaper sketchbook (thanks, s!) we grimace and snicker at what we add to each turn of the drawing, one of us eventually laughing out loud at what seems to be undeniably clever or hilarious as we pool our bizarre imaginations in the form of ink on paper. it's always a good moment, and it signals that everything is cool, and we've got good things ahead of us. i think it will continue to get better. i'm going to put effort into it, anyway.
in the meantime, i'm really looking forward to 2 major events in the next few weeks. 1: eric moves up. we're pretty stoked about this, as the apartment is finally settled and furnished and arranged, and we're dying for eric's stylistic and material additions to the place (namely: books and a general sense of epic grandeur), not to mention the good times awaiting all of us existing in the same place. event 2: suzie visits again for the 4th of july weekend. the reasons to be excited are pretty obvious, but i'm equally excited for eric and suzie to meet each other. the first time that he and i consciously hung out, we traded stories of epic, heartwrenching, unrequited love while eating some Al's at 2 in the morning. i find it really interesting that suzie was unknowingly the catalyst for the first of many unabashedly honest talks of past lives and common threads... and now the two of them will get to hang out. it's a line of progression that likely links solidly only in my head, but i'm sure it resonates to some degree with eric as he understands that suzie is as embedded in my character history as a love for family or a need for embellished artistic/human expression. he gets things like this, just as suzie does. i'm really interested in what they will find in each other.
also on the horizon is suzie's birthday, july 17th, when i will fly to cleveland for the first time in god-knows-how-long. cleveland used to be my favorite city but still holds a special place in my heart. it was the venue for so many great experiences, a backdrop for the shakespearian theatrics of my late teens. i learned what love was like, had my first kiss there... learned a new love for music and how it relates to experience... developed a real relationship with my sister, who is something like 12 years my elder... got to be around my niece during her really cute early years... practiced art for a summer in the beautiful northern sunlight, warm rays in cool air... there's just a lot of me that developed there. i could go on for way too long. anyway, suzie's 24th birthday marks seven years to the day since we had our first kiss and effectively started dating. that is, before launching off into the whirlwinds of our lives, which would eventually pull us far apart. however, Serendipity meets secretly with Purpose, and through their backroom scheming, we were guided to find each other years later, after making mistakes, maturing, and growing into ourselves. so here we are now, waiting it out, resuming a path that we started carving together at such a young age. it's precious and stoic all at once. but i digress.
what else is new? i buzzed my hair, which was a refreshing change. also, we have internet at the apartment now, and i have resumed my xbox live account. that means... halo! it may be sad to say, but i've really missed playing this game in a really serious way. it's one of only a few things that can really occupy all of my attention, which is super relaxing because i don't have to think about anything for that period of time. on top of that, it's really exciting and fun, and lends itself to team-oriented bonding experiences with nick and whatever random people i meet online. so glad that's back in my life. on top of this, i'm spending time every week with a book, drawing more, eating less and riding my bike to work a lot more. life is fuller, more resolved.
it's a good deal. until next time...
Sunday, June 15, 2008
unintentional blog hiatus comes to an end!
well, thanks to brian for blogging and getting me inspired to write some shit down.
i suppose i'd kind of given up on blogging for a bit, well, because i just lost interest in documenting the goings-on of my mundane everyday. partially, things became less mundane, and partially, i became a little bit less self-interested. i mean, really... i was documenting my groceries! the 'intentional new experiences' mantra has been replaced by seeking out the comfort of a newly-established home and the availability of a social life.
mostly, brian moved up and with a friend came many new activities, one of which is not sitting alone in a shitty apartment, atop an air mattress, blogging yet another night away. all that to say... life has taken the totally-expected, yet nevertheless-profoundly-great-turn-for-the-better in the last month:
1. we moved.
oh for the love of god, am i excited to be out of that apartment. the new place is really badass. roomy, clean, older and full of character but with amenities. we have a dishwasher! with the move came my long-awaited IKEAgasm, which resulted in lots of new shit for the kitchen and bedroom. including, above all things, this badass bed with a matching full mattress... eight months on an air mattress will really make you appreciate the real thing, lemme tell ya.
brian has proved to be an equally trusty roommate as he is a friend. as a bonus, he cooks like a motherfucker! we're both looking forward to the day that eric moves up (late this month!?) to complete the triumvirate. by then, we will have furniture in every room, art on every wall, ikea lamps illuminating everything, and... this house will become a home.
2. work has been rockin.
cool new projects have come along, one of which has been given to me as my first 'solo' project. at faust, you never have a project all to yourself (nor would i want that) but this newest one was definitely under my wing after the initial brainstorm. with a little guidance here and there from bob and dave, i crafted a really clean and clever Catalog of Programs layout for the Urban Gateways (arts for public schools) program, which led to oohs and aahs at the presentation. very exciting to get that sort of reaction on your first project. also, logos/branding for the Old Town School of Folk Music and a sharp latina writer/blogger named Esther Cepeda are in the works. lots of fun solutions bubbling up for both of those last week, and crits are expected tomorrow.
with every week, i feel more comfortable in the office, more like myself and more confident in my design. eventually it will have to stop getting better, but i'm not sure when.
3. suzie and i are dating again!
after 5 months of seeing if we could stay in touch and stay sane, trans-atlantic style, suzie is finally home for the summer. she flew from cleveland to see me a couple of weekends ago, and we had a wonderful time. i asked her to be my girlfriend again, and she accepted, so now we are officially making this happen. i don't suppose there was a lot to be doubted after our new years rendezvous, as we were exclusive and in love all this time. all the same, i got butterflies when i asked her but felt much better when she said "yes, thanks for asking!" we get along so well when we're together. i feel so happy when we're doing things together, but beyond that when we share the same space, not even touching or looking at each other... i simply feel at peace. we were listening to music in my room and i was just staring at the ceiling fan like i used to when i was in high school, and i realized i felt like my self again. i couldn't remember the last time i felt like myself, which was a strange thing to happen upon.
we'll have another visit over the 4th of july weekend, followed by a few others over the course of the summer, until she returns to england in september. after that, there's another heinous period of waiting until she returns for christmas. then a month for her to put her thesis show together in january-february, and then, hopefully, her plan to move to chicago and pursue her career as an illustrator will finally land us in the same place... yes, at the same time... and yes, for more than four days at a time. we have a lot to figure out, and a lot to learn about each other, but we both are excited about seeing this through to as far as it will happily carry us.
people have been giving me concerned looks when i say she's moving to chicago. but there's no moving in together when she gets here, no ridiculous leaps into the void. just endless opportunities to get caught up on all the little stuff. then we will see where it all goes. if there's anything we've learned in the past seven years (yeah count 'em) it's a sense of patience. well, that and an implicit understanding of the inevitability of mistakes and pitfalls. plus, it should be noted that chicago was her favorite city as a kid and she'd always kind of planned on moving here. i'm glad our paths are finally crossing.
---
eventually i want to post a bunch of my work from faust up here, as well as pics of the newly-set up apartment. but that will come with time... and the availability of a digital camera. for now, i want to get to bed early. it's going to be a busy week.
peace!
i suppose i'd kind of given up on blogging for a bit, well, because i just lost interest in documenting the goings-on of my mundane everyday. partially, things became less mundane, and partially, i became a little bit less self-interested. i mean, really... i was documenting my groceries! the 'intentional new experiences' mantra has been replaced by seeking out the comfort of a newly-established home and the availability of a social life.
mostly, brian moved up and with a friend came many new activities, one of which is not sitting alone in a shitty apartment, atop an air mattress, blogging yet another night away. all that to say... life has taken the totally-expected, yet nevertheless-profoundly-great-turn-for-the-better in the last month:
1. we moved.
oh for the love of god, am i excited to be out of that apartment. the new place is really badass. roomy, clean, older and full of character but with amenities. we have a dishwasher! with the move came my long-awaited IKEAgasm, which resulted in lots of new shit for the kitchen and bedroom. including, above all things, this badass bed with a matching full mattress... eight months on an air mattress will really make you appreciate the real thing, lemme tell ya.
brian has proved to be an equally trusty roommate as he is a friend. as a bonus, he cooks like a motherfucker! we're both looking forward to the day that eric moves up (late this month!?) to complete the triumvirate. by then, we will have furniture in every room, art on every wall, ikea lamps illuminating everything, and... this house will become a home.
2. work has been rockin.
cool new projects have come along, one of which has been given to me as my first 'solo' project. at faust, you never have a project all to yourself (nor would i want that) but this newest one was definitely under my wing after the initial brainstorm. with a little guidance here and there from bob and dave, i crafted a really clean and clever Catalog of Programs layout for the Urban Gateways (arts for public schools) program, which led to oohs and aahs at the presentation. very exciting to get that sort of reaction on your first project. also, logos/branding for the Old Town School of Folk Music and a sharp latina writer/blogger named Esther Cepeda are in the works. lots of fun solutions bubbling up for both of those last week, and crits are expected tomorrow.
with every week, i feel more comfortable in the office, more like myself and more confident in my design. eventually it will have to stop getting better, but i'm not sure when.
3. suzie and i are dating again!
after 5 months of seeing if we could stay in touch and stay sane, trans-atlantic style, suzie is finally home for the summer. she flew from cleveland to see me a couple of weekends ago, and we had a wonderful time. i asked her to be my girlfriend again, and she accepted, so now we are officially making this happen. i don't suppose there was a lot to be doubted after our new years rendezvous, as we were exclusive and in love all this time. all the same, i got butterflies when i asked her but felt much better when she said "yes, thanks for asking!" we get along so well when we're together. i feel so happy when we're doing things together, but beyond that when we share the same space, not even touching or looking at each other... i simply feel at peace. we were listening to music in my room and i was just staring at the ceiling fan like i used to when i was in high school, and i realized i felt like my self again. i couldn't remember the last time i felt like myself, which was a strange thing to happen upon.
we'll have another visit over the 4th of july weekend, followed by a few others over the course of the summer, until she returns to england in september. after that, there's another heinous period of waiting until she returns for christmas. then a month for her to put her thesis show together in january-february, and then, hopefully, her plan to move to chicago and pursue her career as an illustrator will finally land us in the same place... yes, at the same time... and yes, for more than four days at a time. we have a lot to figure out, and a lot to learn about each other, but we both are excited about seeing this through to as far as it will happily carry us.
people have been giving me concerned looks when i say she's moving to chicago. but there's no moving in together when she gets here, no ridiculous leaps into the void. just endless opportunities to get caught up on all the little stuff. then we will see where it all goes. if there's anything we've learned in the past seven years (yeah count 'em) it's a sense of patience. well, that and an implicit understanding of the inevitability of mistakes and pitfalls. plus, it should be noted that chicago was her favorite city as a kid and she'd always kind of planned on moving here. i'm glad our paths are finally crossing.
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eventually i want to post a bunch of my work from faust up here, as well as pics of the newly-set up apartment. but that will come with time... and the availability of a digital camera. for now, i want to get to bed early. it's going to be a busy week.
peace!
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