on fear and life

i get scared about a lot of things, and i'm preparing myself for a time when fear plays a smaller part in my actions and decision making.

when i close my eyes in the face of fear, i am drawn into a moving impressionist painting in a small place in my mind. there, i feel the physicality of my own presence in the wake of a greater presence... that which i am afraid of. it looms before me, in the dark blue-gray room, and i am small but dimly lit in its shadow. the fear is monolithic and shapeless and nearly consumes me, but remains just far enough from me that i cannot touch it. i glow in the faintest way, equally amorphic, like a misshapen play-doh cube. against the darkness, it's as if i am touched by moonlight... but only as bright as moonlight could be if veiled by clouds and reflected from a rippled pond. in this space, the fear never touches me. it only looms, towers in an arc before me, always inevitable, always forboding.

today, i imagined my fear in this way. for the first time in recent memory, i felt emboldened. not courageous, not brave... but simply that it was not in me to back away. not a feeling of strength or even determination... i still felt small and amorphous, fully aware that the Unknown could flatten me on a whim. but i didn't go anywhere, and i even thought about the possibility of moving forward into the blue-gray shadowy mass with a sense of confidence. i haven't stepped forward yet, but i feel the strength to do so growing within me. the surprise is that the strength is not what i expected. it isn't that of a warrior. instead, it feels like the floes of everything within me has slowed, and troughing into me is the weight of a new glacier. stoic and with the weight of ages, it presses into my chest, anchoring me to where i stand, giving me presence to move forward only as slowly as the glacier will grow within me.

from trickles, i will grow. a mountain of frost fears only itself. one day, without warning, i will breach myself and explode into the shadowy waters of fear. i will burst forth and destroy all that holds me, so that the dark gray-blue room will collapse into itself, drawing the wrap from the inside of my mind into a shriveled pile of navy latex sheets, and the brightness of the just-blued sky will feel like all i've ever known.

but for now, i remain where i rest, building momentum from pooling, icy droplets.